How to Talk to Your Children

Telling your children that you are separating is one of the most difficult things either parent will face. How you handle this conversation, and the ones that follow, has a significant impact on how your children experience and process what is happening.

There is no perfect script. But there are things that help and things that make it harder.

Before the conversation

If at all possible, both parents should tell the children together. This sends a powerful message, that you are both still their parents, that you can still function as adults together, and that they do not have to choose sides or carry information between you.

Agree in advance what you will say and what you won't. Do not use the conversation to explain the reasons for the separation in terms that place blame on either parent.

What to say

Keep it simple and age-appropriate. Young children need basic, concrete information. Teenagers may want more detail, but still don't need the adult version of events.

• We are separating, we won't be living together anymore
• This is not your fault in any way
• You are loved by both of us and that will never change
• You will still see both of us regularly
• It is okay to feel upset, angry, sad or confused

After the conversation

Children will process this news over time, not all at once. They may seem fine immediately and fall apart three weeks later. They may ask the same questions repeatedly. They may become clingy, withdrawn, angry or regressive in their behaviour.

All of these responses are normal. What they need is consistency, reassurance and the knowledge that both parents are still present and reliable.

What not to do

• Do not speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children
• Do not ask children to carry messages between parents
• Do not ask children which parent they want to live with
• Do not use children to gather information about the other parent
• Do not share adult details about finances, legal matters or relationship history

What to say and what not to say

The words you use matter enormously. Children absorb not just what you say but how you say it, and what they sense you are not saying. Some phrases to avoid:

• "Your dad/mum has decided to leave us" — this positions the other parent as the one who abandoned the family
• "We just don't love each other any more" — children worry that if love can stop, your love for them might stop too
• "You'll have to ask your dad/mum" — using children as go-betweens for adult decisions
• "I can't afford things because of your dad/mum" — financial blame, even when it feels justified, is harmful for children to carry
• "Everything is fine, don't worry" — dismissing feelings children can clearly sense are not fine

Better alternatives:

• "Mum and Dad have decided we will live in different houses. We have both thought about this really carefully."
• "This is absolutely not your fault. Nothing you did caused this."
• "We are both still your mum and dad and we always will be. That will never change."
• "It is OK to feel sad, or angry, or confused. We both feel that way too sometimes."

Having the conversation more than once

One conversation is never enough. Children process news at their own pace and will come back with questions — sometimes immediately, sometimes weeks or months later. Be prepared to revisit the conversation as many times as your child needs, and try to keep your answers consistent whether they ask you or your ex-partner. This is much easier if both parents have agreed in advance what they will and will not share.

Telling the school

Inform your child's school as soon as possible. Schools that know about a separation at home can be alert to changes in behaviour and mood, can offer pastoral support, and can ensure communications go to both parents separately. This is one of the most practical and underestimated steps a parent can take.