Telling your children that you are separating is one of the most difficult things either parent will face. How you handle this conversation, and the ones that follow, has a significant impact on how your children experience and process what is happening.
There is no perfect script. But there are things that help and things that make it harder.
Before the conversation
If at all possible, both parents should tell the children together. This sends a powerful message, that you are both still their parents, that you can still function as adults together, and that they do not have to choose sides or carry information between you.
Agree in advance what you will say and what you won't. Do not use the conversation to explain the reasons for the separation in terms that place blame on either parent.
What to say
Keep it simple and age-appropriate. Young children need basic, concrete information. Teenagers may want more detail, but still don't need the adult version of events.
- We are separating, we won't be living together anymore
- This is not your fault in any way
- You are loved by both of us and that will never change
- You will still see both of us regularly
- It is okay to feel upset, angry, sad or confused
After the conversation
Children will process this news over time, not all at once. They may seem fine immediately and fall apart three weeks later. They may ask the same questions repeatedly. They may become clingy, withdrawn, angry or regressive in their behaviour.
All of these responses are normal. What they need is consistency, reassurance and the knowledge that both parents are still present and reliable.
What not to do
- Do not speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children
- Do not ask children to carry messages between parents
- Do not ask children which parent they want to live with
- Do not use children to gather information about the other parent
- Do not share adult details about finances, legal matters or relationship history