Setting Boundaries With Your Ex —

One of the most challenging aspects of separation, particularly when children are involved, is establishing a new kind of relationship with your ex. You may no longer want any contact with this person, but if you have children together, some level of communication is necessary for years to come. Healthy boundaries are what make this manageable.

What are boundaries in this context?

Boundaries in co-parenting are the parameters around how and when you communicate, what you communicate about, and how you interact at handovers and other contact points. They are not about punishment or control. They are about creating a structure that allows both parents to function and both children to thrive.

Practical boundaries to consider

• Communication method, email or a co-parenting app rather than calls or texts
• Response times, agree a reasonable timeframe for non-urgent responses
• Topics, limit communication to matters relating to the children
• Handovers, agree a location and format that minimises conflict
• New relationships, agree when and how new partners are introduced to the children

When your ex doesn't respect your boundaries

If your ex is not respecting boundaries despite your attempts to establish them, document the breaches, respond minimally and in writing, and consider whether mediation or legal advice is appropriate.

Why boundaries matter after separation

After a separation involving children, you and your ex-partner will likely remain in contact for years. The relationship needs to change from an intimate partnership to a co-parenting arrangement. Without clear boundaries, the old dynamic tends to reassert itself, bringing conflict with it. Boundaries are not punishment, they are a framework that allows both parties to function independently.

What healthy boundaries look like in practice

• All communication about the children is via an agreed channel, not via the children themselves
• Contact arrangements are followed consistently, with agreed notice given for any changes
• Neither party enters the other's home without invitation
• Financial matters are addressed through the formal settlement process