How to Help Your Children

Children experience their parents' separation differently depending on their age, temperament and the nature of the separation. But almost all children need the same core things from their parents during this time: stability, reassurance and the knowledge that they are loved by both parents.

What children need

• Consistency, routines help children feel safe when everything else is uncertain
• Reassurance, that both parents love them, that it's not their fault, that their life will be okay
• Age-appropriate honesty, not the full adult picture, but not false cheerfulness either
• Permission to have feelings, sadness, anger, confusion are all normal
• Both parents remaining accessible and reliable

Warning signs to watch for

Some children express distress clearly. Others internalise it. Watch for:

• Changes in behaviour, mood or school performance
• Regression, younger behaviours returning
• Sleep disturbances or changes in appetite
• Withdrawal from friends or activities they used to enjoy
• Physical complaints without a medical cause, headaches, stomach aches

When to seek additional support

If your child is struggling significantly, particularly if difficulties persist or intensify, speak to your GP or school SENCO about additional support. Child counselling or play therapy can be enormously helpful.

Age-by-age guide to supporting children

Children at different ages and stages need different things from their parents during a separation. What helps a four-year-old is not the same as what helps a ten-year-old.

Under 5s

Very young children do not understand separation in any meaningful way, but they are acutely sensitive to their parents' emotional state and to disruption in routine. The most important things are maintaining consistent routines, keeping transitions calm, and ensuring both parents remain warm and present. Do not underestimate how much babies and toddlers pick up from tone of voice, body language, and the emotional atmosphere around them.

5 to 10 year olds

Children in this age group often blame themselves for the separation. They need clear, age-appropriate reassurance that it is not their fault and that both parents love them. Keep explanations simple and consistent. This age group often expresses distress through behaviour — acting out, regression, clinginess, or sleep disturbance — rather than through words.

11 to 16 year olds

Older children and teenagers need more honesty and more acknowledgement of their own feelings and views. They are likely to have strong opinions about the arrangements and will feel disrespected if those opinions are ignored entirely. At the same time, they should not be burdened with adult decisions or made to feel responsible for either parent's wellbeing.

Common mistakes parents make

Most parents do not set out to harm their children during a separation. But the stress, grief, and conflict of the process can lead even good parents into behaviours that are difficult for children.

• Using children as messengers between parents
• Asking children to report back on what happens at the other parent's home
• Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children
• Allowing the children to overhear adult arguments or legal discussions
• Putting children in the middle of disputes about money or arrangements
• Withdrawing emotionally because of your own distress, leaving children feeling abandoned by both parents
• Compensating with excessive treats or loosened boundaries, which children find destabilising rather than comforting

When to get professional help for your child

Most children will show some signs of distress during a parental separation, and most will recover well with good support from both parents. However, some children need more specialist help. Speak to your GP or your child's school if you notice sustained changes in behaviour, significant regression, expressions of hopelessness or self-harm, or a complete refusal to engage with one parent.