Creating a Co-parenting

One of the most enduring challenges after separation is communicating with your co-parent. You may no longer want to speak to this person, you may feel hurt or angry, and yet you need to coordinate your children's lives for years to come. A communication plan, a simple set of agreed boundaries and methods, can make this significantly less painful.

Why a communication plan helps

Without agreed parameters, communication tends to happen reactively, at handovers, in text messages at all hours, or in front of the children. This creates tension and often escalates conflict. A communication plan moves things onto more structured ground.

What to include

• Preferred method of communication, email, text, a co-parenting app
• Response timeframes, e.g. non-urgent messages responded to within 24 hours
• What topics are communicated through which channel
• Tone expectations, keeping it businesslike and child-focused
• What is not appropriate, e.g. late night messages, copying in third parties
• How urgent matters will be handled

Co-parenting apps

Apps such as OurFamilyWizard, Fayr and Google Family can be helpful, they keep all communication in one place, create a record if needed, and some include tone-checking features.

When communication breaks down

If direct communication is impossible due to conflict or safety concerns, a third party, a mediator, solicitor or support person, can facilitate. Courts can also include communication provisions in child arrangements orders.

Setting up a communication framework

The most effective co-parenting communication plans are specific, not vague. Rather than agreeing to "communicate respectfully", agree on the specific channel (email, a co-parenting app), the expected response time, and the topics that will and will not be discussed via that channel.

Co-parenting apps such as OurFamilyWizard, Talking Parents, and AppClose are designed specifically for separated parents. They record all communication (which can be important if things become difficult), keep conversations focused on the children, and some include shared calendars and expense tracking.

What to include in a co-parenting plan

A good co-parenting communication plan covers:

• Which channel to use for day-to-day matters (text, email, app)
• Which channel to use for important or complex matters
• Expected response times for non-urgent messages
• How urgent matters (illness, accident) will be handled
• How decisions about the children will be made and communicated
• How handovers will work, including what information is exchanged at handover
• How disagreements will be resolved
• What will not be discussed via the children

When communication breaks down

Even with the best plan in place, communication will sometimes break down. Having an agreed process for when this happens — such as a cooling-off period before responding to difficult messages, or an agreed mediator to consult — makes it easier to recover. If communication breaks down entirely, a family mediator or solicitor's correspondence may be necessary in the short term, but this is a last resort.